My Story of Mental Health Recovery + Big Live Show in NYC

Solo show performance - Thursday, June 12th - Doors 7:30 - LES/NYC - Get Tix Here

What Happened

When I was 19 years old, my thoughts started racing uncontrollably, and I started having grandiose delusions to the point where I thought I was the messiah. I also became very agitated and confrontational with my friends. I was forced to leave school. My family brought me to a psychiatrist. That's where I was first diagnosed as having bipolar 1 disorder. I was 100% in denial. I read everything I possibly could to try and find an alternative explanation for what had happened to me. The idea of having to cope with chronic mental illness for the rest of my life was something I just couldn't comprehend. And the truth is I was just so angry, saddened and terrified about it all. It actually took me years to be able to say out loud, without crying, that I have a mental illness. All of the stigma, both external and self-imposed, made me try to outrun my bipolar disorder for many years before getting proper treatment.

Unfortunately, that first episode in college was nowhere near my last. I've been dealing with bipolar disorder for over 20 years. I've had at least 10 severe manic episodes, almost all of which have been followed by equally powerful depressions. In 2008, I found myself running through the streets of Dublin, Ireland manic and paranoid out of my mind because I thought that the CIA and descendants of the Nazis were trying to assassinate me. I also somehow thought that the Irish Republican Army and Bono from U2 were trying to protect me. It sounds funny now. But try to imagine how intense and scary it must feel to actually believe something like that. It's a lot. There’s a misconception that mania is just this exhilarating, ecstatic, fun experience. But for me, it's an emotionally overwhelming wrecking ball. It makes me burn my life to the ground and then it leaves me in total despair and shame to think about what I've done. But, as painful as it has been, I've found a road toward wellness and happiness.

What Helps

It took me a long time to make my mental health central to my life. I don't think I was ever actively trying to make myself unwell, but I certainly wasn't doing everything I could to try and stay stable. Not doing so ended up destroying an important relationship and causing me to lose a job I worked very hard to get. If I'm going to be honest, these experiences were a big part of the reason I finally accepted my mental illness and got proactive about a treatment plan. And finding this plan has been empowering for me. I'm excited about the prospect of staying well for the longterm and being able to continue to accomplish my goals. So here’s what works for me: I’m on medication. I’m sober. I make sure to get proper sleep. I have a support system of family and friends. I have a great psychiatrist. I’ve done a lot of great talk therapy. And I have my creative outlet of performing comedy.

And it might sound silly, but from my perspective, getting to be a comedian is just as important as all of the other pieces. I honestly think that it has saved my life. Being able to laugh and make comedy out of all of this pain and literal insanity; that’s been a blessing. Getting groups of people to laugh with me on my terms about everything I’ve been through has had the effect of helping to heal my vulnerability and shame. It’s helped me regain my confidence and sense of self. Also, talking publicly about bipolar disorder has had the effect of making other people feel less alone about something they may be going through. And that means the world to me. If I can use comedy to help destigmatize mental illness and maybe save some folks from going through some of the heartache that I’ve gone through; that sounds pretty good to me. That makes me feel good about myself. I find redemption in that. For me, there is a road to self-forgiveness by trying to help others.

Love,

JFOD

(Note: What you just read is an excerpt from the presentation I give for my volunteer work with NAMI-NYC (National Alliance on Mental Illness-New York City). NAMI is the largest grassroots mental health advocacy organization in the country, led by people with lived experience with a mental health condition who are in recovery and are actively helping their communities. There are more than 650 NAMI chapters all over the country offering free mental health resources, support and education programs. It’s really a great organization and worth checking out if you or a loved one is dealing with a mental health issue.)