I Traumatized Myself Against Bob Marley

For some strange, strange, strange reason, multiple times when I was manic over the years, I became OBSESSED with reggae and Rasta culture to the point where I truly and deeply believed that I was the reincarnation of their messiah. The second coming of Haile Selassie. This is funny. This is objectively funny. I have a bit about it in my act. It’s one of my favorite jokes. It’s a staple. I basically talk about how disappointed the Rasta community would be if it turned out that I, an off-putting, little white guy from New Jersey, was their messiah. An absurdity of the highest order. A let down for everybody.

It took me years, though, to be able to write this joke and perform it publicly. It took me years to get over being paralyzed with embarrassment for actually believing such a bizarre notion. The shame and self-stigma surrounding Bipolar Disorder was very real for me. Losing control of my brain was terrifying both during and after. After, there remained a very justified fear in the (not so) back of my mind that the insanity could and, very likely, would return. And it did, again and again and again. Over the past 23 years, I’ve had a least 10 severe manic episodes leading to about a dozen psychiatric hospitalizations. Don’t feel bad for me about that. I don’t feel bad for myself. Feel bad for me about THIS:

A beyond sad byproduct of my Rastafari delusions was that, when I was back in my right mind, I couldn’t listen to Bob Marley anymore for years without becoming emotionally crippled. I was actually triggered by the beautiful, soothing sounds and positive vibrations of Bob freakin’ Marley. That’s both heartbreaking and hilarious at the same time. He literally has a lyric in the song ‘Three Little Birds’ where he sings, “Don’t worry about a thing. Because every little thing is gonna be alright.” NO BOB! Every little thing is NOT gonna be alright. I have a chronic mood disorder due to, apparent, chemical imbalances in my brain. People with Bipolar Disorder have a 19% suicide rate and a 50% attempted suicide rate. It’s the 6th leading cause of disability in the country. Things are FAR from alright, Bob! He has another song, ‘Trenchtown Rock,’ where he sings, “One good thing about music, when it hits you feel no pain.” Uhh, I AM feeling pain, Bob! A lot of pain. Do you know how hard it is to process and bounce back from being clinically insane?! Do you know what it’s like to alienate yourself from all of your friends and family and explode loving relationships? Do you know what it’s like to burn your life to the ground? Do you know how scary it is to be so grandiose in your thinking that you believe the weight of the world is on your shoulders? Do you know how scary it is to be so psychotic that you believe the CIA and the Nazis are trying to assassinate you, Bob? DO YOU, BOB?! (Well, maybe he does, concerning the CIA - There is a conspiracy theory out there about that - An agent named Bill Oxley supposedly confessed to injecting Marley with cancer - All the fact checking sites say it’s been debunked - But you can’t trust the fact checking sites - We need fact checkers for the fact checkers, mannnn - I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT THIS - SLIPPING DOWN RABBIT HOLE - PLEASE HELP - lololol j/k)

These days, though, it’s all good. I’ve gotten over the shame. Time passed can be a beautiful healer. I’m actually listening to Bob Marley RIGHT NOW as I write this. A triumph!

Having the tool of creating comedy has been very helpful for me to cope with living with Bipolar Disorder. I’ve been performing stand up for over 23 years. I started 6 months after my 1st manic episode. I’m still at it. I haven’t had a manic or depressed episode in going on 4 years. I’m so thankful for this. I’m so optimistic for what the future holds for me creatively. I’m currently performing a one man show called ‘I’M ON LITHIUM: A Comedic Journey About Bipolar Disorder.’ Since the NYC premiere back in December of 2023, hundreds of people have come out to see it at sold out shows. I’ve also been touring with it. This is exciting. Here’s what a rockstar mental health professional who was kind enough to come out to my show twice said about it:

"John describes a euphoric manic episode with incredible detail and insight, pulling the listener into his globetrotting quest and the characters he meets along the way. You will root for him, you will laugh (often to the point of tears) and you will come away with a new understanding of bipolar disorder and appreciation for the human condition." - Dr. Kat Nordgren, Psychiatrist, Bellevue Hospital

I’m grateful.

Upcoming performances of ‘I’M ON LITHIUM’

October 17th in Ypsilanti, MI at Ziggy’s

October 25th in Brooklyn, NY at Cobra Club

November 16th in Austin, TX at Fallout Theater

Love,

JFOD